Today is World Suicide Prevention day
When I was 18 I was planning on killing myself.
My mother was on strong painkillers and I had spent a couple of years before I went to University creating a collection for myself. She was probably confused as to where some of her tablets went but I took only 1 each time and did it over quite a long time.
I didn’t have a great childhood and I figured that if the first 18 years of my life had gone like that I didn’t want to see the rest of my life.
My plan was to take them when I was at University because there was always someone at home and I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to die.
On my first day at University I sat in the room in my flat and watched people come and go outside of the window. The tablets sat in a bottle on my desk.
I never took them. I got up and went to speak to the 8 other girls I was sharing a flat with.
I don’t know why I didn’t take them.
What I do know is that I soon discovered that nobody knew or cared what had happened in my past. I discovered that I could choose to be whoever I wanted to be.
I discovered that no matter how bad things seem to be, keeping it inside of you just makes it worse. Sharing it makes it better. My now-husband taught me that. When we talked I realised I had created a world inside my head which felt so lonely. But he helped me see I wasn’t alone.
And now of course I know that nothing needs to be the way it’s always been. It took me 40 years, and a lucky find of Cognitive Hypnotherapy, to find that out.
But now I am happy.
And I don’t want to die
I want to live and enjoy my life.
Sometimes things can seem utterly hopeless. But we all live in our own reality. And that means we all have the power to change that reality – we just need a little help sometimes. If you’ve seen or read Harry Potter do you remember the scene with the Boggart? Where it comes out of a wardrobe as your worst fear? But then you just change it to make it something you laugh at instead?
We can always change our reality.
Maybe I can help. Or maybe you need something more immediate.
The World Suicide Prevention day website is here
You can get hold of the Samaritans here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year
Don’t be alone. There is always someone there to help even though it may seem like no one can help you.
And if you want, you can email me email@example.com .I will listen.