When I was 3 I told that my grandfather was molesting me. Nothing changed and it continued until I moved to live with my mother at 8 or 9 years old.
When I was 12 I told my mother I was being abused. Nothing changed and the abuse continued for some time after.
3 years ago I faced my abuser in court and he walked out of the court free. The jury found him not guilty. Nothing changed.
Before I went to live with my mother, I was starved and looked like a skeleton, beaten to the point of being covered in bruises and neglected. School knew. Social Services knew. Nothing changed.
At 14 years old my brother ran away for the first time. He was returned home. At 16 years old he ran away again and this time they couldn’t bring him home.
I went to university, got a degree in computing, met the man who would become my husband, and went on to have a very successful career, eventually ending up on a 6 figure salary in BT. I had a wonderful house, husband and daughter. Everything was amazing.
Except I was still the broken little girl inside. It was all a pretence.
Then I found cognitive hypnotherapy and everything changed.
Nothing changed what had happened, of course. It was me that changed inside. My internal story changed. The meaning behind the events changed.
One day a friend suggested that I should let go of my past as it didn’t serve me any more. I got really upset.
Who would I be if I had not experienced my life?
I am where I am not just because of who I am, but also because of the experiences I went through.
If I wasn’t the person I am, I wouldn’t be here writing this, helping people, trying to change the world, one person at a time. I would be like my brother, a drug addict struggling to keep going each day.
If I hadn’t gone through the experiences I did then it would be unlikely that I would dedicate my life to helping others escape the demons of their past.
So I don’t want to let go of the past. It made me who I am.
I sometimes learn new things about my past. Recently I reconnected with a relative (there are very few people from my past allowed in my present life). I learnt things about what was done, and what people new, that floored me a little. I felt angry and upset. I asked why no one protected me, as I have done many times before.
But this time it was different for me. I didn’t ask what was wrong with me. I didn’t feel even more evil and broken.
I felt upset. Genuinely upset that people would treat a little girl that way.
And I felt in awe of the person that I am. The person that got through that. And the person I have become as a result of that.
So don’t let go of your childhood experiences. You need them. They go with your personal qualities to make you who you are today.