Every year I pick a word or a phrase that will represent the year. Last year it was strong. This year I have chosen Let Go
So much has changed in my life in this decade. 2010-2020 is where I discovered Trevor Silvester and Cognitive hypnotherapy. I ran the London Marathon. I turned 40. I quit a job on a 6 figure salary and set up my own business as a private therapist.
And I found happinness. I learned I could love. I learned I can be happy. I connected with friends. I lost 2 amazing friends (Marguerita and Elizabeth) and gained many more.
I have published 4 books and gained a reputation where people who have never met me come up to me in Starbucks and say they follow my page. I have done talks to hundreds of people on how screwed up we are. I started working in student support services at my local college, extending my reach to be able to help way more people. I got a Masters in Psychology, as well as my therapy practice qualification.
I’m lined up nicely for my bigger goal which is to speak on a global stage and reach even more people, and for my book to be quoted alongside others such as Emotional Intelligence, and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, as the must read book on self help.
…there is always a but right?
I don’t seem to be able to let go of my past, my story. I am still keeping myself busy and distracted.
In this decade I took my abuser to court. He was found not guilty. And yet, that whole process allowed me to let go of not being believed. I no longer question that it happened. In addition, his defence barrister brought up records from school etc from the early part of my childhood, before I lived with my abuser, talking about me be covered in bruises, starving and dirty….people knew. No one did anything, but people knew. Both the defence and prosecution described this part of my childhood as horrific. And I felt validated. This year I sought out the records referenced in the trial. I contacted social services and the CPS. Nothing. There are no records.
And I ask myself, why does it even matter? It’s in the past. My story means nothing to who I am.
Yes, all those conversations about “what you did when you were younger” are a lot harder for me. I struggle particularly when my daughter asks.
But at the end of the day, none of that matters now does it? I am who I am because of my past, that’s true. But holding on to it, and bringing it back constantly just keeps me as a victim and stops me letting go.
Trevor, the therapist I first saw, says I’m keeping myself in the whirlpool. And he’s right, of course. But that doesn’t help me with how to stop.
So that’s the goal of 2020, learn how to let go of my story.
What would your word be and why?