Don’t give up on yourself

This weekend I was at Regents University in London for a course run by Quest Cognitive Hypnotherapy. To get to the Uni, you walk through Regent’s Park. It’s a stunning park right in the centre of London, close to Baker Street, and behind Madame Tussauds.

I have experienced many moments in this park.

  • There was a conversation with Trevor Silvester about how I would one day look back on my childhood experiences and be thankful for them. I remember that conversation. It seemed a ridiculous thing to say. He could tell it unsettled me and quickly switched to a distraction. But I remembered it. And, of course, he was right. I am in that place now – but only just!
  • There was a moment just a year or two ago, where those of use who were qualified came together for an annual Cognitive Hypnotherapy event. I felt so different. I felt like I didn’t belong. And I felt sad, because I always felt different. I sat on a bench with a Starbucks over the lunch break. I left everyone else behind to chat. I isolated myself. It was just me and a squirrel that wanted what I had (no way it was getting my Starbucks!). I have since learnt to accept my differences – even like them. I can be comfortable with people I don’t connect with, in the same was as those I do. Not everyone is my tribe.
  • There were many Saturday mornings where I walked along, having had a session with Trevor on the Friday, desperately trying to process the barrage of emotions and thoughts that flooded me following yet another fundamental shift.

As I walked through the park on Saturday, I felt a deep, calm peace.

It occurred to me that I was unrecognisable in comparison to the person that first walked through the park just over 6 years ago. So much so, that you would swear it was not the same person.

There have been many times in the last few years that I have felt that I have reached the limit of change. Often, with things that I still was unhappy with. I would try and accept the version of me that I was. I would try and convince myself that some things just couldn’t be changed.

But I didn’t believe that to be true for my clients, so how could I accept it for myself?

And like that 18 year old me that didn’t take the bottle of tablets, there was a part of me that still fought; a part of me that still believed there was something better for me.

And then another shift has happened. In many ways, this was the most profound shift yet. And I realised that I was wrong: everything can change.

Bowling

I often tell my clients that this process is like bowling

Image result for bowling images

When you go bowling, you don’t know how many pins you are going to knock out of the way until you actually roll the ball down the alley. You have to bowl, and wait.

Each session we bowl.

You also can’t take the bowling ball and go round the back to get the back pins first.

You have to start with the front row.

So sometimes you feel that you have gone backwards. You uncover a row of pins, and because the others have been cleared out of the way, they feel significant. It feels like that was the main problem all along.

But as with bowling, you can only get at the back row once the rows in front are gone.

Don’t give up

So my message to you is: don’t give up on yourself.

Keep bowling. Keep going. If you are not happy with anything, it can always be changed. It might take a while, and it might even catch you by surprise, but everything can change.

And remember, whatever you think, the fact that you are reading this blog post means that you have not given up on yourself yet!

We’re all screwed up – including me

It’s not secret that I have had my struggles.

It’s also no secret that I had a very difficult childhood. In fact, people who have heard the story have said I should make it into a film. It is a bit ridiculous!

Cognitive Hypnotherapy has been the thing that freed me up.

Even though the actual number of sessions of therapy I’ve had is relatively low (8 in total over the last 7 years), I have been able to find an amazing level of peace, happiness and contentment with my life. But it’s not been a short journey. Every day has been about learning.

Recently I was getting very frustrated with myself.

I still hated myself. I couldn’t look in the mirror without sneering. I wanted to be someone else. I found it impossible when people said nice things. It was actually upsetting. How could they be so cruel as to say something that was so obviously untrue? It wasn’t fair.

I knew this wasn’t right. It was frustrating. How could so much else have changed but not this?

I also knew I had some behaviours that weren’t right. I would never ask a question in a meeting or at Uni, because I assumed that nobody would pay any attention to what I said. When courses didn’t sell, and videos didn’t get many views I would think “Of course, why would anyone listen to me?”. When someone disagreed with something I said in a forum I would back off and not argue my point. I physically would shake and dwell on what I said and what they said.

I know enough to know that isn’t right, and, more importantly, I don’t have to accept it.

And then I got help from a fellow therapist. And we changed the hurt child girl so she was happy.

And things began to change.

I went to my daughter’s school to talk to them about an issue. I could have avoided it but I didn’t. I felt calm when I was there.

I started engaging in discussions on forums.

I went to the doctors about a lump above my stomach. I’d done this before and they dismissed it but I knew it was not right. I had been putting off going but I made the appointment and stuck to my guns to get a scan.

I went to the hairdressers and closed my eyes and relaxed while I was having my hair washed. Something I have never done before.

To many these may seem like small things, but to me they were huge signs of change.

And then I had an opportunity to do a talk to our local ACES group (Adverse Childhood Experiences). I want to become the sort of public speaker that talks at large events. Ultimately, I would love to do Tony Robbins style conferences (obvious they will be Dawn Style by then). I know that I need to share my personal story – what brought me to this point – if I really want to connect with people. I know I have a hell of a story.

I’ve always been able to write this but never talk. This was because of my mother telling me at 12 years old never to talk about the abuse again. But she didn’t say to never write about it lol!

In the past, when I’ve tried to talk, my subconscious has shut me down. I lose the ability to speak or move. So I’ve avoided telling my story.

On Tuesday I went along to this group event with a plan to talk through my story. ACES is all about resilience, and the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences on our physical and mental well-being. I know that my story shows how it is possible to be happy no matter what. I know I am a better therapist because what I’ve been through shows that it is possible to overcome anything. This was a good audience to start with.

My passion is to help everyone realise that we can all find happiness, no matter what has happened in our childhood. I have never made it so personal before.

I have never told my life story to anyone out loud, from start to finish before, let alone a room of strangers. I spoke to about 15 people. I told them everything from when I was 6 right up until I took my abuser to court. I told the whole story. I explained how if I’m ok, then anybody can be, if you just have the right help.

It was liberating. I felt so free afterwards. I had told my story and I was fine. That’s all it was – a story. Something that I could use to help other people. It did not leave me shaking (although I was a little nervous when I started talking!). It did not stir up nightmares. I did not go into the ‘no-speaking’ state. I was absolutely fine.

I felt exhilarated and I feel so lucky to have been given that chance.

So now I’m working towards a new TED talk next year. A talk that will draw on my experiences both from childhood, and from working with over 600 clients.

“Our past creates us but doesn’t define us – lessons from over 600 clients”

(if anyone can think of a better click-bait style title please let me know!)

This is my next step and I can’t wait.

Over-thinking

“I over think everything”

“I wish I could stop over analysing. My mind is constantly racing”

These are things I commonly hear from my clients in the first session.

They believe that we can stop those thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with over thinking. In fact, try and think of nothing.

Go on…think of nothing…

You are thinking of the word “nothing” the number zero or an empty space. And I guarantee that empty space has a colour because you can’t think of a nothing colour!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking, analysing etc.

The problem is believing your thoughts and letting them stay in your head.

Thoughts are like a fast moving river. You can’t stop them. You can’t contain them. You can just smoothly direct them onward.

Your thoughts are lying to you. They are not real. They are an illusion created by your brain. And most of that illusion is caused by your subconscious. Your subconscious is in charge at least 90% of the time, so most of the thoughts you have are primitive and irrational. But they hide amongst your rational thoughts. I call them ninja thoughts because they sneak in and pretend they are real.

Imagine this scenario:

You are at work and someone gives you a weird look. You stop and wonder what it is about. You decide that they are not happy with you because you haven’t done that thing they asked for yet. And that’s really out of order of them, because you’ve had loads of stuff to do and you’ll get round to their thing as soon as you have a second. How dare they be offish with you! They have no idea what you are having to deal with. You glare back at them, projecting your anger straight back at them.

Now, we know we can’t read minds. So the weird look was probably because they were thinking about what to do for dinner later, or going over a conversation they’d just had with someone else.

You believe the first thought: they are not happy with you.

Imagine if you could recognise that it was just a thought and it wasn’t true. You wouldn’t go off on this whole story. You wouldn’t react to the thought. You’d observe it and let it go.

The problem is not having thoughts, it’s believing them.

 

Why do I have to wait 2 weeks after the first session?

A client sits in the chair in front of me. They are looking unhappy. It’s the second session.

“How have the last couple of weeks been?”, I ask.

They shrug their shoulders non-committaly.

“Ok. There have been ups and downs”, they answer.

“Good”, I say.

They look surprised.

It’s an interesting phenomena.

Before the first session, anyone would laugh in your face if you said you could sort all their problems out in just one session.

However, because of the way I work, people feel different when they walk out of our first session together. And with that difference , a new bar/expectation is set.

I am good. But I’m not good enough to change your life in 2 weeks!

For every change they experience, they EXPECT that change to be permanent. Of course it’s not. In those first 2 weeks what you get is a sneak preview, a movie trailer, to show you what life will be like in your future. They are moments of change amongst your normal behaviour.

And that’s where the problem comes. By the second session you assume you have gone back to where you started. Of course you haven’t.

If I see you after 1 week, you are still on an unnatural high.

If I see you after 3 weeks, you have stopped seeing the changes and have convinced yourself this won’t work.

2 weeks is a sweet spot. It’s enough time to have had good moments, and usually a bad day. On a bad day you think you are back at square one and then the expectation changes.

You feel disappointed that all the changes haven’t happened.

You sit in my chair and feel despondent (or online).

“Really?”, I ask “How good do you think I am that I can change everything in 2 weeks?”

People generally leave my first and second sessions feeling happier.

About 60% of my clients only need 2 sessions. 

How would it make you feel to know that within 6 weeks you could be feeling much better about your life?

Why not drop me a mail to dawn@thinkitchangeit.com and get started today

One part, many parts, or both

I am absolutely fascinated by this woman.
 
We are all made up of parts. And not all of us can accept that. In most people it becomes about denying there are different parts of us and attributing behaviours to us as a whole.
 
For this woman she has gone the other way and fully dissociated from her parts. She regards them as not belonging to her and paints as them. She has many different painting styles. She talks as if her parts are totally different to her. 
 
I believe we are neither one part, or multiple distinct parts.
 
I believe all behaviour serves a purpose, and all behaviour has a positive intent.
The problems we have often come from a battle between the parts. So I believe that harmonising the parts is the answer – not separating them or ignoring them. (I am not sure if this media file will load)

I recently went on my own journey of bringing some parts together, helped by a fellow therapist.

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Fat thighs

Every morning I stand in the doorway and keep an eye on my daughter while she waits for the school bus. She has to wait far enough away that she can’t stay in and watch through the window, but she’s close enough that I can see her.

Most of the time it’s fine, but sometimes it’s bitterly cold. Even for me, stood in the sheltered doorway of a cosy house. And I feel so sorry for her.

She’s fine. She has a fluffy hat with gloves, a cosy coat, and a neck warmer.

But that’s a logical “she’s fine”, not an emotional one.

Every time I look out at her, standing there waiting for the bus, I become a 7 year old version of me again.

I used to wait for a local taxi to take me and my brother to school. We would pick up 2 other kids on the way. The joys of living in the middle of nowhere.

I would wait at the gate at the end of the driveway. This was a little closer to the house than the place my daughter waits, and I was waiting for a taxi not a bus. The gate was a metal one attached to a mesh fence. It was probably the most exposed place a person could stand. There were no trees or hedges to interrupt the weather. My daughter waits by a wall under the shelter of a large tree.

I also wasn’t dressed up warm. We were incredibly neglected and starved, so we had no meat on our bones to keep us warm. One of the things I vividly remember was the way the cold and wet weather would make my inner thighs red raw. They would get chapped so badly that I would cry while I walked because it hurt so much.

I’ve known people who used the fact that they got chapped thighs to beat themselves up for being so fat. But I was the opposite of fat, and I still had that problem.

I remember the pain. I remember being scared to walk. I remember freezing in while I waited for the taxi.

So it’s hard for me to just watch my daughter standing at the bus stop. It feels like I am a small child standing next to her, freezing and hurting.

This is what happens all the time. Things are given meaning because of memories. Not conscious memories. Your brain is incredibly proficient at pattern matching. It can filter lots of information, infer stuff from it and respond to it.

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It does this all the time. So while you think you are responding to facts e.g. “I stumbled over my words, everyone thinks I’m an idiot”, what is actually happening is your subconscious is rapidly searching your memories for anything that is remotely similar to the current situation. Then, if the matched memory has a meaning or a risk in it, then you will react emotionally.

You can’t stop this pattern matching. What you can do is edit and update the stored memories, so when your subconscious finds a match, there is no call-to-action i.e. there is no emotional response. This is tricky for you to do yourself, so get in touch if you need a little help dawn@thinkitchangeit.com

This is not me

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Granted, you may look at this photo and think it’s me. But it’s not.

It’s an android. It’s pretending to be me.

You may not be able to spot the clues but I can.

– She looks really happy. If this was the real me, I wouldn’t look so happy. Just a few months before this photo, I had been sitting at the desk in my student accommodation with a bottle of my mother’s strong painkillers on the desk in front of me. It had been my plan to take them at a point where there was no risk of being found and saved. This was when Android Dawn took over.

– You can tell it’s Android Dawn from the optimal physical state. If this was real Dawn then the body would reflect the inner turmoil. It would have layers of protection. This version of Dawn doesn’t need protection.

I get such a mixture of feelings when I look at this photo. Mainly, I don’t know this person. This is not me. When I went to University I changed. I was about 18 in this photo. I am 45 now. I learnt that if I was to survive, I needed to stop being me. I became an actor rather than the real me.

It was a great strategy. I went into my career with no limiting beliefs or fears. Because everything was scary, I learnt to listen to nothing. I just kept going, no matter what.

I was successful. My career took off. I travelled all over the world. Android me had everyone fooled. I was happy and outgoing.

However, all along, the real me hid inside. That version of me was in hell. This is not me being melodramatic. All the pain was bunched up in one small core.

Over the years the pain grew until it could no longer be contained. The real me began to come through. I wanted kids but I was too scared to get close to the hubby. He found a therapist for me and I started going to see her. After about 18 months I got to the stage where my fears had gone enough to get pregnant. It was terrifying to be pregnant, but I loved my body for what it was able to do. For the first time I saw my body as something good. Until I got pre-eclampsia. My body let me down so badly that after 26 weeks, Adam was delivered by C-section. He never really had a chance and he died.

But now I had a bigger problem. Android Dawn was now gone and I was left having to cope with everything. With hating myself and wanting to die, with losing my first child. The hubby and I had already talked and knew we would try again. This kept me going.

My daughter came along. For the first time it wasn’t about me. There was no escape now, I just had to be me. And I realised that wasn’t good enough. I was going to screw her up.

Once more I went to therapy, but this time it was different. This time it was Trevor Silvester, the founder of Cognitive Hypnotherapy.

Now I was on an entirely different path. A path that led to me giving up my career and start a totally new one as a therapist. A path that led to me accepting me and finding true peace and happiness with that.

It has been an intense experience. It is said that you can’t stop energy, you can only transform it. All that pain that was contained all those years had become quite some force. And now it has been transformed from pain into passion. Passion for helping others with their pain.

Dawn-09

So this is me. This is the real me. Inside and out. This me I recognise. I am happy and I am at peace. I look forward to each day. I look forward to the future. Equally, I enjoy the present. I enjoy the moments. I smile more now than I have probably ever done in my life. I don’t need Android Dawn any more.

Is it you or your environment?

In his book, The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton talks about his early days as a lab technician. His supervisor used to constantly say to him, “It’s the environment stupid!”. We assume that a nucleus of a cell is it’s brain. If we damage the nucleus, the cell dies. This is apparently not true. Even with a damaged nucleus, a cell can go on to live quite a while; even as long as a couple of weeks.

However, if you put a cell in a petri dish with a substance that is toxic to it, it will die instantly. No matter how robust a cell is, it can be killed off by it’s environment.

Sometimes, when I work with a client, they change so much that they no longer fit in their environment. Maybe it’s work, study, or even a partner; they realise that they no longer have to put up with stuff. They realise it’s ok to stand up for themselves and put themselves first occasionally.

No matter how far they have come, if they remain in a toxic environment, they will struggle. It’s not their fault. They are like a cell. They can survive perfectly well no matter how broken they feel. But they can’t survive in a toxic environment.

So have a look around and ask yourself, does this environment nurture me, or does it suppress who I really am?

If you need help to see yourself as ok and to make these hard choices, give me a shout. Dawn@thinkitchangeit.com

 

It’s not enough to understand

We give our cognitive brain far more credit that it deserves. Rational and logical thinking take up a very small percentage of our total thought space.

And yet, most therapies work in this space.

I have been watching a really interesting programme on Netflix called “Addicted to Food”.

Addicted to Food: A Netflix Original

In this US series, a group of people with eating disorders ranging from overeating to anorexia related behaviours, attend a 6 weeks intensive therapy programme at a place called Shades of Hope.

There are a few things that piqued my interest in this programme. Firstly, they have those who don’t eat enough and those who eat too much in the same group. They all eat regulated meals and must eat everything on their plate.

Secondly they treat all types of eating disorder as an addiction, and focus on the reason for the eating, rather than dealing simply with diet and exercise.

These guys go through a very intense 6 weeks. The founder who runs the facility employs a lot of techniques that I might use. She goes back in time to look at where the problems come from. She does Gestalt work to get them to see things from different perspectives.

I love the fact that they treat it as an addiction – irrespective of whether they eat too much or too little.

And that’s as far as it goes in terms of me agreeing with the approach. I was curious how these people would permanently get over their issues at the end. They went through a really tough time and all had to confront some serious demons. At the end of the programme they can either go home, do another 42 days, or do 30 days in a transition phase where they have more control but are still under supervision. Only one person got to go straight home and they were the person that went on to lose most weight and get fit after. I also think this extension strategy is a way for them to get more money!

I won’t give you any spoilers, but suffice to say, despite it’s approach and intensity, this programme appears to have a similar success rates to diet and exercise focussed programmes like the Biggest Loser.

In my opinion, this was inevitable.

Talking about a problem does nothing to change it.

The problem is, talking brings the issue to the front of your cognitive/thinking brain. But it’s your subconscious that drives behaviour. Your subconscious switches off your thinking brain when it takes you into a protective state.

There was one particular group therapy session where they did inner child work. Each one of them revealed some horrible abuse and talked about it, as the child, in front of the group. The leader of the programme talked about how they now needed to move to adult and leave the child behind. But at dinner some time later, it was clear that at least half the group were still in that horrible place and demonstrated child like behaviours as a result. So much so, the therapy team had to come to dinner and intervene.

This is what the programme misses. When you talk about stuff, you bring it forward. When you talk about it, you add to it. So when it is stored back in memory, it now has all the extra stuff with it. This isn’t the cognitive stuff. Your brain doesn’t store the logical, adult analysis with each memory. For most memories you have  a simple, small tag. For significant memories, you have a video clip/image, an emotion, and a lesson. A lesson that says “How will I use what I learnt in this moment to protect you in the future?”

If you store the memory back, without losing the lesson or the emotion, then what you have is a bigger more significant memory, that is even closer to the surface in the future.

 

So no matter how many of their demons these people confronted, unless they deliberately changed the memory to *lose* the emotion (not just understand it or rationalise it) then it will remain as an issue that drives behaviour.

There are many things about this programme I enjoyed – the approach to therapy, treating eating as an addiction, watching people on their journeys. What frustrated the heck out of me was that, with a slight change, all of these people could have been permanently freed up from their addictive behaviour.

That said, it’s an interesting watch. And if you have struggled with your weight, in any direction, watching it might help you understand why that might be.

Looking in the wrong place

Sometimes we can spend so much time looking for one thing to change, that we fail to notice all the other things that are changing.

At this time of year, people of set out New Year’s Resolutions. These tend to be about doing less of something (eating chocolate, drinking, smoking) or doing more of something (exercise, making healthy choices). But to what end? What difference will losing weight make? What difference will making healthier choices make? Will you magically stop caring what people think if you lose a little weight? Will you be happy when you make healthy choices?

How much effort will it take to maintain these changes for the rest of your life?

What would happen if you put on an invisibility cloak right now. A cloak that didn’t stop you existing, but stopped people being able to interact with you based on how you look?

We can spend most of our lives looking in the wrong place for change. If you diet, you look to the scales, or your clothes – but that’s the wrong place. That doesn’t affect inside your head.

When clients come to see me, they are stuck. They don’t want to be where they are. But they often don’t know where they want to be. When they leave that first session the are in a bit of a daze. They don’t know what to expect. They don’t think that our work will make much of a difference.

My job is get them to look in the right place for changes. I tell them to be curious and to log every difference no matter how small. It’s the small changes, that seem insignificant at first, that lead to permanent long term change.

So which part of the sky are you looking at right now? Make sure that in your new years resolutions, that you are looking all round. Look in the right place for those changes and you might surprise yourself.

Now is a good time to write down every small positive in your day, no matter how good or bad your day has been. Stick it in a jar each day. Next New Year, open the jar and read through everything you have achieved.